Why women retreat from fight against violence at home

When the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 came into effect, Chennai topped the list in the state with 5,548 cases. At that time, the district collectorate attributed the number to increased awareness. They added that while domestic violence also involves in-laws and sibling, most of the cases are related to spouses. 

The National Family Health Survey -4 revealed that 37.2 per cent of married women in urban areas and 44.2 per cent in rural areas face violence in families across the state.

Experts claim that in the absence of earlier data, it is difficult to ascertain an increase or decrease in the incidence, and that the figures could be higher given that mental abuse also tantamounts to domestic violence and that is seldom reported.

Prasanna Gettu, managing trustee of PCVC, International Foundation for Crime Prevention and Victim Care, pointed out that there has been a rise in the number of women seeking help and redressal. He, however, questioned the police’s approach to the matter. “If women choose to come out of their marriage because of problems with violent husbands,  and want protection from us, we cannot impose our beliefs on  them and say, ‘You are married and you have to go back to the family’,” said Gettu.

“The police or the NGO they approach should see it from their point of view. At that moment, the kind of redressal these women get is not as per law. Until some years ago, the police had been investing a lot in training the workforce to tackle these issues, but the capacity building is no longer continued,” she said.

Gettu added, “The police take a moral ground and focuses on saving marriages, and what the law says is not enforced. That is why many women are not moving to court.”

N Geetha, senior inspector at Guindy All Women’s Police Station, said that underplaying the cases of domestic violence helps arrive at a remedy. “The fact that a woman has approached the police for a ‘family matter’ can end the marriage. We cannot rely on only the woman’s version as there are chances of them exaggerating their claims,” said Geetha.

“We must talk to the men to understand their side to the story. Most often, women approach us only to scare or warn their husbands. The complaints rarely translate into cases as in a majority of them seem to have been caused by misunderstanding,” the senior inspector said.

Geetha added that a considerable percentage of the cases comes from slum areas as there is a high rate of alcoholism. “It is difficult to resolve it, as alcohol is the underlying problem. In such cases, we refer the local police to follow it up,” she said.

She also pointed out that the middle-income and lower-middle income groups look at domestic violence as a problem that might affect the family’s reputation. “But the higher and lowest income groups are beyond such considerations. In fact, the former doesn’t care for police interference. 

They prefer to deal with it in courts,” she said. Geetha added that while the women can seek remedies through district protection officers (two in Chennai), a committee also looks into the veracity of such claims before an FIR is filed. “This was introduced after a Supreme Court ruling to avoid misuse of Section 498A of the Indian Penal Code, which expanded the scope of protecting women even from their husband’s relatives,” the  inspector explained.

The psychological approach to the issue too leans on the side of resolving it rather than taking the legal route. P Banumathy, counselling psychologist, said that the emphasis is on making the affected women assert their rights, rather than looking for revenge or retaliation. Banumathy added that denial of a woman’s basic rights also tantamounts to violence. “Around 10 per cent of a month’s counselling calls are related to domestic violence. And out of 10 women that seek counselling, four are from the city,” she said. But, the counselling does not involve suggestions to file a case or going to the police. 

“Counselling is about arriving at a solution not just discussing the problems repeatedly. We can resolve it by talking to the perpetrators like the husband or in-laws. The moment the issue comes to the police station, the act of violence seems insignificant and dragging the family to the police looks like a more serious problem,”  Banumathy said.

Advocate and activist Sudha Ramalingam said that the courts look at cases of domestic violence as criminal cases, as a magistrate is addressing it. “When there are special family courts to address matrimonial cases, why is this being referred to a magistrate? It should be brought to the family courts, so that they can deal with it in a specialised manner,” she said. Ramalingam added the Domestic Violence Act is being used to threaten rather than be used for finding a real remedy. “We can arrive at real remedies only after serious thought is put into the complaint and it is taken up in a time-bound manner as mentioned in the Act, without involving the ‘Katta Panchayat’,” she said.

Prasanna endorses the view, adding that in the current situation many spend a quarter of their lives fighting such cases. “You want to move on after filing an FIR, but they take a step back due to the huge legal process. During the wait, they continue putting up with the violence. As a result, there is a huge number of women who want to stay out of the hassle,” she said. 

I got married to a distant relative when I was 15. I had dropped out of school and I had very little choice, but to say ‘yes’ to the person, who was almost 10 years older to me. Even before I settled down to the new life of everyday chores like washing, cleaning and cooking, I got accustomed to another daily ritual – beating. My husband beats me every day. Sometimes because he was drunk, or due to financial troubles, or because he didn’t like the food I prepared. Sometimes, just for the sake of it. He was and is an alcoholic; even after almost 30 years of marriage he feels hitting a woman makes him feel more like a man. He even jokes about the strong urge in him to slash my throat, when we are alone at home. My children—a daughter and a son—tell me to ignore it because they say he will never do it. I can’t ignore it anymore. I have bottled my anger for a very long time, but I don’t know if I can continue to forever. 

But I protest when he raises his hand. I stop him by pushing his hand back. It helps, but a slap or two lands on my face occasionally. Leaving the house or asking for a divorce is not an option because I come from a family where every woman has endured violence. The frequency at which I get beaten up by him has come down now, but I know it hasn’t stopped. However, I have decided to raise my voice against it, even as I endure the marriage for my children’s sake.

I got married in 2006, a love marriage that both my parents and in laws were dead against. However, we thought we would be happy. Soon, I had my first child – a daughter. I began to realise my husband had a lot of bad habits, including alcoholism. He would beat me up often, was extremely possessive and not give me money for any expense. My parents wanted to talk to me, but he didn’t allow us to meet or talk. I began working at a factory in Mint where he also worked. We used to go to work and return together. Yet, there was no intimacy or love in our relationship and he would not spare not even a penny for the household. During this time, I also had another daughter. 

When she was about three years old and my older one was six, in 2014, it was one of those usual days of getting beaten up. I told my husband I wouldn’t be able to cook the meal he had asked for as I was tired. He lost his temper and became violent. After that, he tried to get intimate and when I refused, he beat me again. All the years of suffering and anger inside me erupted suddenly and I doused myself with kerosene and lit a matchstick. 

He was standing outside and made no attempt to save me. Smelling kerosene, my neighbours came rushing and took me to Kilpauk Medical College Hospital. After learning about my plight my parents came forward to help me. We had filed a complaint with the police against my husband and he was made to pay for our maintenance. He also tried to patch up but went back to his old ways. I decided not to depend on him for anything. Today, I am raising my daughters on my own, working as welfare assistant for a project in the NGO that gave me a new lease of life. 

I have realised my significance in my daughters’ lives. I have studied only till Class 8 and was not very proficient in reading and writing in Tamil. Now, I can write in English as well. I put up with violence without realising that I was enduring it. Many women go through it without their knowledge. They must know they are no lesser mortals.

Protection Order prohibiting the respondents from committing any act of domestic violence.

Residence Order for residing at matrimonial house.

Monetary Orders which includes maintenance for the woman and her children.

Temporary custody of children.

Compensation order for injuries, mental torture, emotional distress caused to her.