Parenthood - Punishment vs. positive discipline: Know the difference

When we yell, shame, or threaten our children, when we put them in time outs or withdraw our love in order to make them behave the way we think is appropriate, we are punishing them. All these forms of punishment harm the body, mind, heart and spirit of the child.

This might be so disheartening to read. We all have used one or more of these methods when trying to discipline our children. Punishing children leaves us feeling regretful and miserable too.

Most of us feel helpless, not having received any training in the task of raising children. However, we are in a lucky position today owing to advances in neuroscience. Research gives us clear evidence of how punishing a child induces fear and doubt in a child’s mind, impeding brain development. So, experts now advise parents, teachers and caregivers to adopt positive discipline to guide and teach children.

What is the difference between punishment and positive discipline?

Punishment uses the ‘power over’ approach to control children and make them comply. They may listen to us, but that is purely out of fear of authority, and fear of losing our love. When a child acts out of fear, the stress hormone cortisol bathes the body. In this insecure state of mind, the child has only three options as responses, flight, fight or freeze. For example, a parent finds a mess at home, gets irritated and yells, “Anju why did you do this?” What does Anju do? She either lies that she didn’t do it, or blames another person, or she argues with the parent about it, or she seems blank. By yelling, shaming, threatening, we may think we are teaching children to do better, but in this cortisol flooded state no learning happens. And in fact, research on brain development tells us that increased levelsof cortisol may actually kill brain cells.

Positive Discipline, on the other hand, uses the ‘power with’ approach where the adults collaborate with children to find solutions to problems faced. Children develop inner discipline as they learn to do the right thing for the right reason and not out of fear of the parent’s reactions. Let’s explore this through some examples.

Difference 1: Punishment focuses on past behaviour. Positive Discipline focuses on teaching future behaviour.

The child has difficulty getting ready for school on time in the morning. It is an everyday issue the parent faces, and the parent ends up yelling, ”You never get ready on time for school. I am fed up with you. If you cannot be ready on time, just stay at home. Don’t do anything in life!”

A positive discipline response would be to empower children with skills on how they could tackle a situation and set limits with empathy where needed. Research shows that optimal learning happens when children feel safe and loved. So having conversations with children when both parent and child are in a relaxed state of mind, problem-solving together and putting the solutions into practice helps.

“Getting ready in time for school is really difficult for both of us. Can we sit together and come up with a plan of how to make this easier? I really want to hear your ideas.”

Difference 2: Punishment aims at stopping the behaviour. Positive Discipline aims at exploring the reason behind the behaviour.

The child has not done well in his tests. Parent yells, “You should be ashamed of yourself for getting such low marks. No more going out with friends.”

A positive discipline response would be to express curiosity, acknowledge that the child might be finding something hard to do and offer support to help the child to overcome the obstacle. When children participate in making rules and decisions, neural pathways to their higher brain, the thinking brain get developed. The child also feels supported and the connection with the parent strengthens.

‘Looks like my child is finding Maths difficult. Does he need some extra practice maybe a tuition class?’

Difference 3: Punishment disregards children’s feelings and forces them to suppress emotions. Positive Discipline gives importance to children’s feelings and builds emotional intelligence in them.

At the store, the child is insisting on getting a toy. The parent gets frustrated and says, “I am not buying that for you, and if you don’t stop crying, I will leave you here and go.” The child feels fearful and might express suppressed feelings later in unhealthy ways like being aggressive, hitting or bullying others.

A positive discipline response empathises and acknowledges children’s big feelings. This helps children learn how to manage their emotions in the long run.

“You really wanted to buy the toy and I said NO! That was disappointing and upsetting for you.”

The language of positive discipline is compassionate yet firm in setting limits where needed.

Mainly, the Positive Discipline approach strives to guide children while honouring the body, mind, heart and spirit of the child. With this, we can raise children to care when we raise them with care.