Why women should leave a toxic relationship and achieve their dream

Lady Gaga has been spouting some great wisdom over the years but the Oscars press conference was the best. She took the time to call out an ex-boyfriend, who said that she would never succeed, wouldn’t amount to much and that she would fail.

She told him that one day he would not be able to have coffee without seeing her or hearing her music and I have to say good on ya, Gaga. What breaks my heart is that I know several women who have been in relationships where their partners or spouses have seen it fit to tear down their hopes and dreams and demoralise them. These women have ended the toxic relationship and gone on to achieve their dreams.

Bavithra, a popular VJ with Sun TV, runner up of a reality show Soppanasundari and currently playing the lead in a TV serial once had a loved one who said something similar. I have known her from when she entered the industry working hard to make her mark and along the way, there have been several naysayers — be it among friends or strangers but sometimes it’s the ones closest to you who do the most damage. She has always had the conviction to follow her dreams and is forging ahead not letting the past be a deterrent.

How many women can do that? Also, it begs the question — why are some men intimidated by ambitious women? “If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can’t hear them anymore,” said Michelle Ruiz and that seems to be the mantra for most women, be it politicians, entrepreneurs, actors (both film and theatre) and the list goes on. I spoke to several women who all had a different version of the same story.

Designer-entrepreneur Jeeva Mohan’s ex-boyfriend spews vile crap after she ended the relationship. However, as young naïve women, we internalise such comments and it affected her self esteem and gave room for doubts to creep in. She tells me that she is still a work in progress but has reached a state where she only does things that make her happy and no longer cares about others opinions.

Shrita Baskar, who runs a Kathak dance school, reflects back to a time when she was naïve and a toxic ex-boyfriend would repeatedly drill into her mind saying that she doesn’t know dance very well; all this while she was running a dance school and teaching over 750 students. She tells me that she has wasted three precious years of her life doubting herself and every career move and decision. It took time before she came to the conclusion that the problem was the boyfriend and not her and then she ended it. So this begs the question: why do we successful, independent, modern women date toxic men? Why do we allow people we love to walk all over us?

“It’s not just loved ones, sometimes it’s also friends,” chimes in Sai Lakshmi, a homemaker who has battled with her weight due to health issues. When someone suggested she take up running a friend presumed to answer for her saying that won’t be possible for her. She took offense to that response. However, Sai Lakshmi turned all of those hurt feelings into motivation to get her to the gym. She worked out, got healthier and in just four months completed a marathon. So from being someone that everyone took for granted and walked all over, she took control of her life.

Rohini Rau tells me that ex-boyfriends have mocked her being muscular and constantly put her down for being successful. I think it takes a special skill set to mock somebody for being successful. When she was younger it did affect her and she tells me, “Very quickly, I realised that I was foolish to listen to them.” She also tells that men don’t have the monopoly over tearing others down and women do it too.

The Zombies once sang: Sticks and Stones may break my bones but talk don’t bother me and for everyone reading this, words from your loved ones always matters. Words can inspire and words can destroy, so choose yours well.