Take pride in your child

CHENNAI: The month of pride is almost over, and yet, the fight to be treated with decency, respect and dignity continues to be as insurmountable as before for the LGBTQIA++ community.

During the Pride march on June 25 (Sunday) in the city, members of the community and some of their parents spoke to DT Next about the significance same-sex marriage and the acceptance it provides for couples in the society.

Recently, a group of parents of queer children wrote to the Chief Justice of India on marriage equality. Among the daily struggles and challenges their wards face, parents explained the role of legal acceptance plays in their lives.

Legal experts state that the concept of family needs to be redefined and that the sexual orientation of an individual must not hinder a person’s right to love, marry and start a family.

Parents need support ‘Sweekar The Rainbow Group’ is a support group for and by parents of LGBTQIA++ children. The group had written to the Chief Justice of India requesting to consider the plea for same-sex marriage.

Aruna Desai, co-founder of Sweekar and mother of a queer child, explains: “When we’re asking for marriage rights for queer folk, we’re making it clear that we don’t fit into the heterosexual section. There is no definition of husband or wife that should be expected in every relationship.”

She said that two adults in a relationship can decide on the role they want to play and the responsibilities they want to take. “Since there are questions about parenting, how about we let the couple decide who wants which role in the family? When my child came out in 2007, it was difficult for other parents and family members to accept his sexuality. Which is why it was a silver lining when Section 377 was repealed, as many children could come out to their parents without the fear of legal repercussions,” explained Desai.

During the pandemic, more people came out to their parents because of the time they spent in close proximity with their families. And predictably, many were unaware of how to approach the situation.

“Many children, and even parents, reached out to us to understand how they should deal with the situation. Several parents joined our group and the numbers increased gradually. Ever since the proceedings on same-sex marriage started, 15 parents joined us within 2-3 weeks. We’re in touch with Indian parents across the world and more conversations help them and children both,” stated Desai.

Legitimate concerns

While a lot of parents support their kids, it’s not easy for them either, considering the societal taboo and unaddressed fears. Some are concerned with communicating their child’s needs after he/she comes out to the family, and the social stigma adds to their worries. “There’s nothing rare about homosexuality, but many Indian parents don’t expect their child to be gay or part of the LGBTQIA++ community. Most of them that though the scenario has improved a lot with parents being more supportive of their children, acceptance is still a struggle. “It’s difficult for parents to accept their own children as members of the LGBTQIA++ community. Even if they support same-sex marriage, they always want to know if we can have children,” Desai explained.

“Since there is no provision of adoption or surrogacy in same-sex marriage, this becomes a point of contention when their children come out to them.” Viraj (name changed), parent of a gay son, admits to being disturbed when his son disclosed his sexual orientation 6 years ago. “It felt like a huge responsibility because he trusted me with it but I was also very worried about his safety,” he recalled. “How would society treat him? How would he manage college and social life? How would his colleagues or boss treat him? When it was difficult for me to accept my son’s sexuality, how would others accept him? Will they be kind to him? Does he know the challenges that would come his way? I couldn’t stop catastrophising,” rued Viraj.

His son’s friend helped him address these concerns, and together, they even spoke to queer groups within the country. “I met other parents like me and we all agreed it wasn’t an easy road. But I was also sure that I didn’t want to change my son’s identity,” stated Viraj, who supported his son when he saw many others doing it. “I knew relatives or neighbours were not going to be easy on him. There is so much more to do before asking for the right to marry someone of the same sex. But after Section 377 was repealed, I was happy and relieved that my son wouldn’t go to jail for being gay,” pointed out Viraj.

 Societal mindset

Being supportive of their child’s sexuality so that they too enjoy the basic rights that other heterosexual couples do, is something that parents, especially in the parochial Indian society, struggle with. But many of them do not allow their fears to get the better of them, and are proud parents of queer children. Devika, mother of a gay son and a non-binary child, was matter-of-fact when she stated that her children have to move to another country because they cannot get married in India. “It’s tiresome to keep answering silly questions. How did they become like this? What happened to your children? Will they get married? Why did they choose to be like this? If it’s exasperating for me, I can’t imagine how my children could cope with such an intrusive and ignorant mind set,” she stated.

Adding that the Indian society has not reached a point of accepting the LGBTQIA++ community, she hopes that it changes soon. “When I told my parents about my children’s sexual orientation, they were more anxious and worried about their grandkids’ survival, than shocked or outraged,” added Devika.

Legal rights

Parents see the recognition of same-sex marriage as a fight for equality and to enjoy the benefits of legal rights such as life and medical insurance, inheritance, property rights, adoption and others that a heterosexual couple has. Parent of a gay son and a trans child, Raj Dharmaraj, lamented over the fight for equality and legal acceptance in 2023 – 5 years after Section 377 was repealed. “Why can’t we give them equal rights irrespective of their sexual orientation? I want my queer children to have the same rights as any other person,” he said. Dharmaraj wants his gay son and his partner to be able to adopt children in India. “When the law is okay to accept a gay relationship, why don’t we give them any rights? What stops us from accepting it socially in the form of a marriage? We’re discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation. A society has no right to choose which of us, based on our gender or orientation, can enjoy certain rights and liberties,” he explained.

 Acceptance in TN

Tamil Nadu is more forward-thinking in terms of accepting the rights of transpersons and the inclusion of right references. “The legal framework is good. We’re a fairly conservative society but we’re not vocal about it. The general acceptance is better than other parts of the country,” opined Dharmaraj. As a parent, he’s clear about his priorities and urges parents of queer children to accept their child’s sexual orientation and offer support unconditionally. “If you love your child, then you’ll accept your child irrespective of what they do, unless they harm the society. That’s our job as a parent – to love and accept our children unconditionally,” he said.