Coping Mechanisms: Parenting burnout, the new normal during lockdown

“Our goal is to survive: no divorce, no getting fired and no children running away from home. If we can do that, I’ll consider us a success story,” wrote Marie LaRiviere, a reader in Fremont, Calif. “We have lowered our expectations in every way possible.” A selection of their stories, edited for length:

“I don’t even feel like I’m parenting at the moment. We’re all just alive and in the same room. I had twin boys in December and I thought that this would be a great extended maternity leave. But with their need for constant attention, I have just broken down and let my 3-year-old do whatever she wants. My husband and I were splitting shifts to take care of the twins and now my daughter has moved into his side of the bed so I have a near-constant shadow. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, that child is with me. I cannot get away and yet I allow it, because it’s easier than fighting,” says Elizabeth Kelley, from Columbus, Ohio.

Justin Taylor from Schaumburg, Illinois says, “My wife and I love each other, but this is just a lot. Frankly, we are kind of spiralling. Our house is a disaster and it is driving us all crazy. I blink and it’s time to feed these rascals again. Our older children (10 and 12) are OK, they can entertain themselves with books, music and chatting with friends on devices. But our 6-year-old is struggling. We finally broke down and allowed him to watch educational TV or play Prodigy (a math game) on the PC. No tablet, no YouTube (those things makes him insane). At night we build fires in the fire pit and let the kids feed twigs into it one by one. It’s cathartic and feels ancient in a weird way.”

“We have a 25-year-old non-verbal son with Down syndrome and autism. He needs 100 per cent assistance in everything from showering to making sure he doesn’t choke while eating. He attended an adult day program until it closed on March 12. We have no relief, no caregivers, not even visits from his siblings or extended family. He doesn’t understand why his world changed and he looks for his lunchbox every day. We go on walks and take him for car rides. My husband and I take turns losing our minds,” says Cheryl Carbonell from Connecticut.

Avy Pitamber from Manhattan shares, “We are failing miserably with our 3-year-old and 8-month-old, cooped up in a NYC apartment. My billable hours at work have suffered to a point where I am scrambling to try and save my job (compared to last year when I got a big promotion). The threat of the virus seems minuscule compared to our exhaustion. My husband has resorted to increased alcohol consumption to cope (I can’t drink because I am breastfeeding). I haven’t washed my hair in over a week. At the start of the lockdown I told my husband that we’ll come out of this either planning a second honeymoon or putting a divorce lawyer on speed dial.”

“I’m not expected to put in a full eight hours a day when my children are with me, but I have split custody so I put a lot of pressure on myself to overachieve or work overtime the days I don’t have them. When I do have them, the Mom guilt is out of control as my boys (2 and 5) begin their fourth or fifth hour of TV. My 5-year-old has been potty trained for more than two years but has started to regress. My soon to be ex and I signed divorce papers the weekend before everything started to shut down in Utah. Is it terrible to say that I’m so thankful I have somewhere to send my children so I don’t have to be with them 24/7?,” asks Michelle Sayers from Salt Lake City.