Digital Relationships: Is ‘microcheating’ new infidelity for the social media age?

ALBERT STUMM

Liking a co-worker’s photo on social media. Sending them direct messages. Checking in on Slack more often than before.

Progressively interacting in this way with someone outside your relationship may be no big deal to you. To your significant other, however, it may be microcheating, which some people consider a form of infidelity because it can involve building a bond one heart emoji at a time.

Although pushing the boundaries of what’s allowed in a relationship is not a new concept, the issue has become even more common with the rise of remote work, said William Schroeder, a therapist and owner of Just Mind Counseling centres in Austin, Texas.

“People are having more digital relationships so it kind of creates more space for that,” Schroeder said. “In this work-from-home environment, it can happen even easier because it’s real low risk.”

A term popularized by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling, microcheating could be anything short of a physical or emotional relationship if it involves a behaviour you can’t talk about openly with a partner.

Besides furtive social media chatting, it also could mean lingering too long at the water cooler to talk to a co-worker, sharing personal details of your own relationship, or dressing up if you know you’ll see someone.

“We’ve just put a newer label on it,” said Abby Medcalf, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, and host of the “Relationships Made Easy” podcast.

But Medcalf noted that with most of her patients in recent years, microcheating involves texting or messages on social media. And it can be a slippery slope.

Schroeder said every relationship has boundaries, some of which may have been discussed and others that are implied. These days, the gray area is bigger than ever.

Particularly if a couple met on a dating app, it’s important to discuss whether to disable it and be exclusive, he said. Then define what “exclusive” means, such as not dating other people, continuing conversations through an app or pursuing others on social media.

He said microcheating happens for many reasons, but often it’s because people are simply looking for that spark they feel from a new relationship. Some patients who engage in secretive behaviour never cross further lines, but Schroeder said noticing if you yourself are doing it can be instructive.

Also, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship.

“It can be this crisis to rebuild,” he said. “Sometimes when these little microcheating examples come up, it can be really helpful to understand, ‘Alright, why is this coming up for me?’”